My skin feels more like 
velvet than glass. It's a good 
thing he likes my sass.

Today, as I was trying to come up with something to share in this sad, ignored space, it occurred to me that part of the problem is that I am having trouble deciding what I should or should not share on the big, scary internet.

A million years ago when I was blogging daily (if I skipped even one day, people reached out to make sure that I was okay), I just shared whatever was going on in my life with no regard for who would want to read it, if my quarter life crisis antics would get back to my employer and ruin future job prospects, or whether or not my stories would hurt the people in my life that I love the most. I was young and stupid (and usually drunk) (and usually with one of my parents) and social media didn't exist beyond having "blogfriends". I rarely (if ever) named names when calling people out or drooling over a crush (even if I knew they wouldn't mind or even wanted to be named).

Life is different now. I'm not trying to do this alone while my parents watch, hoping that I'll make the right decisions and catching me when I fall.

I share my life with someone that I love with all of my heart. Back in the old days, I didn't think there was anyone out there for me and I was totally okay with that. I never hunted love--just connection. And, when your connection with your friends is better than any connection you've ever had in a dating relationship, you stick with what you know works. But when my soulmate pulled up in the Love Truck, I hopped in and never looked back. We're in this life together and I would never want to open our relationship to the horrors of the internet.

The other big commitment in my life is to how I make money, also known as a job. The internet is a dangerous place for a creative person with a day job... While your art shouldn't represent the organization who provides your paycheck (if yours does, I'm totally jelly), what you do reflects on that organization even if it wasn't during business hours, even if you didn't identify yourself as working for that organization, even if you meant well... If you put something on the internet that someone disagrees with, they will find your employer and call for your job. I've seen it happen and I don't want it to ever happen to me.

While I would love to throw a middle finger to all types of censorship, this blog at this stage of my life requires censorship.

My activity here is stunted by my need to protect certain aspects of my life, so I'm left wondering...

How much is just enough?

Well, that whole structure plan went REALLY well! Hahahahaha! Here's a bit of unstructured whinery to make up for it. 

I have been off work for the last week and it has been glorious. I checked my email occasionally to make sure there weren't any grenades in there and thankfully, it's been a tame week. I have avoided taking holiday weeks off in the past because I rarely have big plans and with lots of people out of the office, it can be a great time to get caught up without being bothered. After this week, I think that with all those people out of the office, there's a much shorter "rebound" time when I return, which might just be better than getting "caught up". In most instances, that getting caught up has more to do with wasting time in other people's offices, snacking on treats being brought in, counting the hours until you can go home. So, why not just stay the hell home? And, with the holiday, I'm not coughing up a full 40 hours of paid time off. This week, I'm only going to have to give up 16 hours. While I didn't get even HALF of the stuff that I wanted to get done while I was off, I did get time to rest, put up my Christmas tree (that I'm still unhappy with), hugged some family, drank amazing Scotch, saw an amazing movie, and bought a few gifts.

I should be finishing up the last few chores as the daylight wanes, but after being away from work for a blissful 9 days, and thinking about what the rest of the year holds, I felt the need to put some thoughts out into the world. 

I have things to offer that I'm not sharing because of reasons that I don't fully understand. I'm scared, but I'm not sure of what. Rejection, maybe, but if I really look at who I want to be, that shouldn't scare me at all. I don't fear rejection from other people because I know that I'm not everyone's cup of tea and I'm pretty comfortable with that. So, why if I don't fear rejection of my personality or who I am, should I fear the rejection of the things I create? I create things because I feel the need to put them out into the world, not so that people will like me more or pay me to create.

I mean, that would be nice and all, but that's not really art. That's creating a product. Or, is art actually a product, just not what we think of art in traditional terms? I guess that doesn't matter as long as I'm creating. 

Is it laziness? Am I avoiding creating because I'd rather watch television or eat or smoke cigarettes or bake?
While that's what's happening, I don't think it's because I'd rather do other things because when I'm writing is one of the few times that I don't feel like I should be doing anything else. 

I know that I will love my life even more if I create more art, but there's something stopping me from being consistent and I simply cannot see what that is. 

While I am comfortable not being everyone's cup of tea, I am completely UNcomfortable with being misunderstood. When I feel like I'm being misunderstood, it makes me incredibly frustrated. I feel trapped in my own brain and unable to connect with people. I don't mind clarifying my thoughts when asked specific questions, but getting a blank face or darting eyes or worse, no response whatsoever, makes me feel lonely.

I see two problems with this related to my art...
1 - If I feel like I will be misunderstood, I will overexplain. And, in the words of my favorite writing instructor (although I think he borrowed them from Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones), "don't complain and don't explain". You put your whole heart out there as a way to share your life experience and connect with other people, but you don't tell them how to feel about it. That's not art, it's a lecture.
2 - I cannot control how people perceive my art. I can embrace those who are receptive, but I cannot force everyone to love it. There's that lovable control freak! *eye roll*

This tells me that I need to let go of my need to be explicitly understood at all times, but I'm not sure how to even start that process. I know that reminding myself that my thoughts are fleeting and anxiety is just a fear of what could be is a good thing to do, but it doesn't feel productive.

Perhaps this little brain dump is exactly the step outside of my own brain that needs to be taken. 

Will I come back again soon? Gosh, I hope so.