My youngest years took place in the 1980s. This decade embraced self-help books and fitness of all kinds, not just physical fitness. I remember that my mother had a few of these books, but I also remember thinking that she was amazing--funny, self-assured, fun, smart, kind, and loving. I didn't really see why she thought she needed that sort of help. Don't get me wrong--I never judged her for seeking a path to more happiness and to be the best person that she could be, but I felt like she should be the one getting paid to help others. I admired her curiosity about spirituality and her desire to be an even better person than she already was, but in my young, invincible, over-confident mind, I couldn't see myself buying those kinds of books. 

In my young mind, I was going to be rich and famous as soon as I turned 18, so I would never need any help.

***insert gravelly, 40 year old smoker's laugh here, complete with coughing fit at the end***

Eventually, I grew up. I experienced more. I felt more. I loved more. I worked hard. I drank and smoked and yelled and held and laughed and cried. What I noticed was that my tank of energetic optimism didn't get filled back up as fast. I'm very grateful that I never (that's a dangerous word--let's go with rarely) saw other people as filling stations who were responsible for bringing me back up to an abnormally high level of child-like happiness. I understand that true happiness comes from within. Cheesy, but true... When YOU take care of YOURself, YOU experience more happiness. It sounds like a simple formula, right? So, why does it seem like more and more adults are less and less happy?

SMARTPHONES!

Well, kind of. That's only another view into other people's lives which I feel is one of the keys to unhappiness. They've also driven us to do everything faster and faster and forego learning something in exchange for just going FASTER.

We're not asking ourselves why we're going so much faster though. And, when you combine speed with too much interest in other people's lives, you're definitely not taking care of YOURself. So, in the hopes of a quick fix and avoiding getting a mental health professional involved (the horror!), you find a book or podcast or blog that promises to give you the fast way to be happy.

You get a few tips to take away and slap them on your psyche like duct tape on a broken pipe. Good to go until you die, now, right?!?

Then, you go to the grocery store and a random child kicks you and their parent doesn't say a word. The cashier ignores you entirely while ringing you up. Someone else's abandoned cart has crashed into your car and scratched it. The bottom of your grocery bag splits when you get home and the milk is now spattered in the driveway. Your partner asks you to change the cat litter so they can take a nap. 

Nope. Wrong. No permanent zen to be found.
At this point, ice cream, vodka, and cigarettes seem to be the only solution. I've been there.

I don't have all of the answers and I'm starting to realize that although those books and podcasts and blogs may have good ideas, they don't have MY answers. And, the answers are different for everyone. 

Here's what I know:

1. This world is a complicated place that thrives on balance. If you understand balance, you understand that it is a constant state of motion between good and bad, happy and sad, abundance and wanting. If you seek balance, it makes the next thing a little easier. 
2. "Be present" is not just a nice thing to say. Being present takes you away from ruminating on the past and the anxiety of the future. And, if you feel a panic attack coming on, connecting with the present in the most literal sense can scare that attack away. (more on that below if you want a new tip! *eye roll*)
3. Teddy Roosevelt said "comparison is the thief of joy." Social media and reality TV create multiple opportunities for you to compare your life and your haves to someone else's, which I think dramatically increases the chance for dissatisfaction with your own life. Do the things that make you feel good even if other people don't get it. 
4. Meditate or create. Both are mind-clearing activities, but in completely different ways. Meditation encourages you to clear your mind. Creation encourages you to use the junk in your mind to make something better. For me, this is writing, but specifically journaling. I just feel better when I take all that brain junk and dump it on the page. I rarely re-read entries--why look through the trash after you've already put it in the bin and taken it to the curb? I scribble until the shitty feelings are gone (or until I run out of time) and close the book on it--literally. It's cathartic.

These are my prescriptions for dealing with anxiety and dissatisfaction and frustration. I carry them with me wherever I go and take them as needed. What works for YOU?

My tips for staying in the present and out of a panic attack:

1. If you can lie down on your back, do that. Rest your hands on your stomach and feel it rise and fall as you breathe. If you are seated, put both feet firmly on the floor and rest your hands on the tops of your thighs--no fists. Inhale deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Count each breath.
2. Look around--name 3 things that you see--out loud. Don't overthink it. Carpet, sky, or cat are all perfectly good things to notice.
3. What do you hear? The air conditioner, a dog barking? You don't have to say it out loud, but it helps. 
4. Keep breathing! If you smell something, name that!
5. Hopefully you're catching your breath at this point and feeling a little less panicky. Tell yourself out loud that it's going to be okay and use your name. It's grounding to hear your own voice and your name. "Heather, it is going to be okay. This will pass. Just breathe. You are strong and you will get through this."
6. Finally, drink a big glass of cool water and give yourself 15 minutes to catch your breath and recover. Your adrenaline and blood sugar likely spiked in the last few minutes, so give your body a chance to level back out--WITHOUT a cell phone! Get some fresh air or relax in a cool, dark place.
7. Call a friend or family member (try to find someone who can make you laugh!). You don't have to share what just happened to you, but connecting with another person in the moment can help keep you in the present. 

Further reading--especially for worrywarts: On Needing to Find Something to Worry About
(via Tim Ferriss)

Fair warning: I have never had "legit" posole in my life, so I don't know what it's supposed to taste like. That said, even if this isn't authentic, it's easy and delicious.

I got the recipe from Bon Appetit, but I made a few tweaks.

Chile Paste

• 2 dried ancho or pasilla chiles (you should be able to find these in any grocery store, but if not, most Hispanic grocery stores carry them)
• 1 garlic clove, coarsely chopped
• 2 tablespoons tomato paste (I'd recommend finding a tube of this!)

Soup and Assembly

• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 medium onion, thinly sliced
• 2 15 oz. cans white hominy, drained and rinsed
• 8 cups turkey stock, low-sodium chicken broth, or vegetable broth
• 2 cups shredded, cooked turkey or chicken
• Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
• Tortilla chips, sliced avocado, cilantro, and lime wedges for serving (ESSENTIAL!)

For the chile paste:
Remove seeds from chiles; toast in a small, dry skillet over medium-high heat, turning until browned and fragrant, about 4 minutes. {Side note: I was multi-tasking when I did this, so my chiles got blackened...don't be like me. If you burn them, you'll be picking the burnt bits out of your soup when you should be eating it.} Place toasted chiles in a medium bowl. Add 2 cups of hot water to the bowl; let sit until softened, about 5 minutes. Drain, reserving 1/2 cup of the liquid. Pulse chiles in a food processor or blender with reserved liquid, garlic, and tomato paste until smooth.

Soup and Assembly:
Heat olive oil in a large pot (6-quarts is perfect) over medium heat. Cook onion, stirring occasionally, until translucent, 6-8 minutes {Side note: I caramelized the onions for a little deeper flavor. This takes a little while longer, but it's worth it.}. Add your chile paste and cook, stirring until thick and darkened, about 4 minutes. Add hominy, stock or broth, meat, and season with salt and pepper. Simmer for 10-15 minutes. Serve with tortilla chips, avocado, cilantro, and lime wedges {Side note: don't skip these--they add a freshness to the soup that's so good and the avocado adds creaminess that's to die for.}.
---
I highly recommend making this a few hours (even a day) before you plan to eat it. Like many soups and stews, the longer the flavors have time to marry off the heat, the better. After I simmered it for 15 minutes, I turned off the heat, put the lid on the pot, and let it sit for an hour and a half. If it's too cool when you're ready to eat, let it reheat on low for a few minutes. 
---
My deepest apologies for the excessive side notes. If you know me, you know I'm detail-oriented, which is a nice way of saying that I talk entirely too much.

No one else wants to talk about it, so it's high time that I did.
After a decade of doing this shit day after day, I'm pissed off.

There are tons of blogs and even whole websites dedicated to NOT washing or drying your hair. Women hate doing it so much that businesses have opened just TO.DRY.HAIR. They all have naughty names too, like "BLOW BAR". I'm not kidding. Some of them even come to your home.

If someone with a penis is reading this, they're probably saying, "I don't get it. Don't do it then."

Yeah... As a woman whose hair is confused (I mean, seriously, look at this rats' nest...),

that's just not possible.

When I don't blow dry it, sometimes it curls properly, keeps it's shine, and I manage to keep my goddamn hands out of it so it doesn't frizz up like some kind of fuzzy nightmare. But that's rare, really. 

When I do blow dry it, I have a maximum of 24 hours to enjoy it's silkiness--unless it's raining, which means that my hair will take on the look it had when I was about 7 and my mom chased me around with a brush screaming, "Come here, you stringy-headed, ragamuffin!"

Wait--she didn't exactly do that, but she did chase me with a brush and call me a ragamuffin... 

Anyway.....

So that you can feel my pain, here is the RIDICULOUS process that I go through for straight hair....which is stupid because I only get compliments on it when it's an insane mess.

1. Comb hair with wide tooth comb. Must be wide tooth--not like the one your dad used to carry in his back pocket and then run over with the lawnmower. Or was that just my dad?

2. Wash hair.
     Important notes:
     - Only apply shampoo to top of head--shampooing ends leads to (ack!) dry hair.
     - Rinse shampoo thoroughly to avoid scratching your scalp like a mental patient.
   - Apply approximately 3 cups of conditioner only to ends of hair--too much conditioner leads to greasy homeless person hair.
     - Clip hair full of greasy conditioner to top of head for duration of shower--don't let hot water touch it.
     - Once shower is complete, turn water to cold and hold on to your nipples as they might pop off.
     - Rinse hair in cold water to avoid split ends. Try not to squeal or cry while freezing to death.
     - Exit shower and dry hair with a very old Aquis towel or even older t-shirt. The rumor is that this prevents frizz, and all of us frizzy headed bitches prefer to stay on the safe side.

3. Release hair from t-shirt, but do not touch. Attempt to apply lotion to upper body without dragging hair across greasy skin creating homeless person hair instantly.

((((This is the time to take an intermission if I have the luxury in which to do so. I cool off, have a drink, kiss my hubs, and check Facebook while my hair gets halfway dry, therein cutting my drying and sweating time in half.))))

4. Apply thermal styling gunk. This protects the hair from the eleventy-billion degree heat of the hair dryer.

5. Comb hair with wide tooth comb to evenly distribute gunk.

6. If I'm feeling awake and sassy, here's where I would apply Root Pump. I always feel sassy, but I rarely feel awake when I'm doing my hair, so I tend to skip the Pump.

7. Like finding a needle in a 40 ton haystack, separate bangs from rest of hair so you can dry them separately.

8. Kick self and swear a lot for choosing to have bangs--even though you think they make you look sexy--and no one even noticed them.

((((If this is a weekday and hubs is still asleep, now is when I transfer this operation to a bathroom on the other side of the house, carrying half the bathroom, my cell phone, and some water.))))

9. Turn on curling iron to eleventy-billion degrees to preheat. 

10. Hate self for having hair.

11. Use round brush to dry bangs, but be careful not to curl them--curled bangs are not cute.

12. File away round brush with million other hair goodies and find paddle brush in drawer filled with 8 pairs of sunglasses, toothpaste, headbands that I don't wear, and chopsticks that I don't eat with.

13. Begin to patiently dry hair with paddle brush and commence sweating.

14. When sweating becomes totally overwhelming, dry hair quickly and angrily, hoping to pull out hair so you don't have to dry it.

15. When hair is dry, apply Magic Spray. I can't remember the name, so don't ask.

16. Hit hair with the dryer one more time to smooth everything out and attempt to look semi-normal.

17. Admire ridiculously long hair in mirror and lean head back until hair tickles butt crack. Giggle.

18. Allow hair to "cool" for approximately 10 minutes. This is usually when I apply my makeup, utilizing the fine layer of sweat that has accumulated on my brow as moisturizer.

19. Apply teensy bit of thermal styling gunk for fear that your hair will turn into dust if you don't.

20. Use insanely hot curling iron to straighten hair. Yes, I know that sounds counterproductive, but it works, Dammit.

21. Because my ends look like a nightmare, gather all hair into a single bundle and curl for 20 seconds, 40 if you forget what you're doing and try to multi-task while curling.

22. Look in mirror, swear a bit, and tell yourself that this is the best it's going to get.

23. Lie down and take a nap--you've earned it.