After a decade of doing this shit day after day, I'm pissed off.
There are tons of blogs and even whole websites dedicated to NOT washing or drying your hair. Women hate doing it so much that businesses have opened just TO.DRY.HAIR. They all have naughty names too, like "BLOW BAR". I'm not kidding. Some of them even come to your home.
If someone with a penis is reading this, they're probably saying, "I don't get it. Don't do it then."
Yeah... As a woman whose hair is confused (I mean, seriously, look at this rats' nest...),
that's just not possible.
When I don't blow dry it, sometimes it curls properly, keeps it's shine, and I manage to keep my goddamn hands out of it so it doesn't frizz up like some kind of fuzzy nightmare. But that's rare, really.
When I do blow dry it, I have a maximum of 24 hours to enjoy it's silkiness--unless it's raining, which means that my hair will take on the look it had when I was about 7 and my mom chased me around with a brush screaming, "Come here, you stringy-headed, ragamuffin!"
Wait--she didn't exactly do that, but she did chase me with a brush and call me a ragamuffin...
So that you can feel my pain, here is the RIDICULOUS process that I go through for straight hair....which is stupid because I only get compliments on it when it's an insane mess.
1. Comb hair with wide tooth comb. Must be wide tooth--not like the one your dad used to carry in his back pocket and then run over with the lawnmower. Or was that just my dad?
2. Wash hair.
- Only apply shampoo to top of head--shampooing ends leads to (ack!) dry hair.
- Rinse shampoo thoroughly to avoid scratching your scalp like a mental patient.
- Apply approximately 3 cups of conditioner only to ends of hair--too much conditioner leads to greasy homeless person hair.
- Clip hair full of greasy conditioner to top of head for duration of shower--don't let hot water touch it.
- Once shower is complete, turn water to cold and hold on to your nipples as they might pop off.
- Rinse hair in cold water to avoid split ends. Try not to squeal or cry while freezing to death.
- Exit shower and dry hair with a very old Aquis towel or even older t-shirt. The rumor is that this prevents frizz, and all of us frizzy headed bitches prefer to stay on the safe side.
3. Release hair from t-shirt, but do not touch. Attempt to apply lotion to upper body without dragging hair across greasy skin creating homeless person hair instantly.
((((This is the time to take an intermission if I have the luxury in which to do so. I cool off, have a drink, kiss my hubs, and check Facebook while my hair gets halfway dry, therein cutting my drying and sweating time in half.))))
4. Apply thermal styling gunk. This protects the hair from the eleventy-billion degree heat of the hair dryer.
5. Comb hair with wide tooth comb to evenly distribute gunk.
6. If I'm feeling awake and sassy, here's where I would apply Root Pump. I always feel sassy, but I rarely feel awake when I'm doing my hair, so I tend to skip the Pump.
7. Like finding a needle in a 40 ton haystack, separate bangs from rest of hair so you can dry them separately.
8. Kick self and swear a lot for choosing to have bangs--even though you think they make you look sexy--and no one even noticed them.
((((If this is a weekday and hubs is still asleep, now is when I transfer this operation to a bathroom on the other side of the house, carrying half the bathroom, my cell phone, and some water.))))
9. Turn on curling iron to eleventy-billion degrees to preheat.
10. Hate self for having hair.
11. Use round brush to dry bangs, but be careful not to curl them--curled bangs are not cute.
12. File away round brush with million other hair goodies and find paddle brush in drawer filled with 8 pairs of sunglasses, toothpaste, headbands that I don't wear, and chopsticks that I don't eat with.
13. Begin to patiently dry hair with paddle brush and commence sweating.
14. When sweating becomes totally overwhelming, dry hair quickly and angrily, hoping to pull out hair so you don't have to dry it.
15. When hair is dry, apply Magic Spray. I can't remember the name, so don't ask.
16. Hit hair with the dryer one more time to smooth everything out and attempt to look semi-normal.
17. Admire ridiculously long hair in mirror and lean head back until hair tickles butt crack. Giggle.
18. Allow hair to "cool" for approximately 10 minutes. This is usually when I apply my makeup, utilizing the fine layer of sweat that has accumulated on my brow as moisturizer.
19. Apply teensy bit of thermal styling gunk for fear that your hair will turn into dust if you don't.
20. Use insanely hot curling iron to straighten hair. Yes, I know that sounds counterproductive, but it works, Dammit.
21. Because my ends look like a nightmare, gather all hair into a single bundle and curl for 20 seconds, 40 if you forget what you're doing and try to multi-task while curling.
22. Look in mirror, swear a bit, and tell yourself that this is the best it's going to get.
23. Lie down and take a nap--you've earned it.